Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
