I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
