i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
they need to just BURY HIM!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
