My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you traded sex for a burrito?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
