She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
