I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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