He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
