i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
