Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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