I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize