i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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