They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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