Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
