Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
