someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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