I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
