Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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