She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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