No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize