so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
