Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
