I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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