So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
