Someone shit on the floor
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
