Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize