I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
