I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
