just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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