i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
