Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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