I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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