so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
