Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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