Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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