Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
