This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
