youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
