Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
