Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
