I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
