remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
