Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
