Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
