You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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