I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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