You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
