Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
