I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
