There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
