Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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