I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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