3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
