id be glad to
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
