I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
